I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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