I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
