apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
