I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
