awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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