Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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