just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
