I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
