I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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