Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
