I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
