Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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