Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
