It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
