The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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