dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
