So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
