I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
