you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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