Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
