I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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