Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
