Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
