my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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