I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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