I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
