Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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