I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
