This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
