I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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