he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
