then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
