Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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