well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
