I swear she didn't look like that last week.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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