Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
