Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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