he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
