Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
