Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think a kid would responsible me up
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
