Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
