so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
