Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
