I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
