he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
