Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
