i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
