JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Say something about gay babies.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
