It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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