Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
