I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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